“. . . That place i used to call home is just a bed to me”
I’ve found comfort in a place of solitary confinement (out in the open) and silence (as loud as possible). The veil mostly consists of humor, which is necessary to add balance to a life of seriousness matters, but a life focused on humor as a means to shield oneself from the matter at hand is an artificially perfected one at best.
Man, living this way has taken it’s toll.
The motivation for this post is the field in which the price has been paid the most: Others.
Yep, other MF’s.
Alot of habits I had before recent successes, in regards to my work ethic and priorities, are a direct result of a large paradigm shift that occurred because of a long bout with being homeless, jobless, foodless, etc. Let it be known: Poverty will teach you some valuable lessons about yourself. These lessons I’ve learned (and I’m still learning) have lead me down a road of illusory silence, where i’m completely unable to tolerate alot of behavior from myself and especially others. Keep in mind, when I was incredibly broke/poor very few people were there for me, so my circle became very small. I lost weight physically and socially. What I did gain is insight, which in many ways just as 20/20 as hindsight.
In regards to relationships, I have yet to reach a place where I can say: “You know what, let’s do this. Why? Because.”
Family, the longest, most substantive relationship I’ve ever had with someone lasted almost 2 years on a random inquiry like that. Having been in a place where I could take someone on a date and to lose that privilege plus all means to do so in a matter of months is (was) traumatic. In alot of ways I still haven’t recovered, but . . . I’m getting there. I let go of the old a loooong time ago mashallah, but the bringing in the new has it’s difficulties. No rush though.
Essentially, I’ve been fucked by life (Retrospection).
In response I’ve created a very promising/skeptical/necessary lens (Introspection).
That lens has brought me success and comfort (Direction)
. . . I just pray I don’t end up like my father, and that I can successfully transition from a place far and distant back to a place more intimate. I want to build, but like everything else on this road of recovery it is taking it’s sweet, glacial time. I’ll remain patient.
We all seem to stumble, planning our own demise
Forgetting the big picture and making it wallet size
So to what is important in my life, I apologize
I promise to stay faithful, focused and sanctified
We all get distracted
The question is would you bounce back or bounce backwards?
Would you not know how to act or take action? It’s just a part of life
And if your vision’s impaired, you probably lose it all tonight
Kendrick Lamar ft Jhene Aiko – Growing Apart (To Grow Closer)